Dating Boot Camp: Tip #4: The 3rd Law of Attraction

Get a Date, Seal The Deal and Make Your Love Last 

Being gay in the dating world can leave you in the trenches. Take back your dating life with the Dating Boot Camp filled with the tips and tools you need to get a date, seal the deal and make your relationship last. I will post a total of 10 new tips to help you on your way to a better dating life

Tip #4: The 3rd Law of Attraction

Newton’s Third Law of Motion dictates that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Some schools of thought hold the same notion in relation to our attractions. We get, they say, exactly what we put out there. In other words, the type of energy or vibe we project is exactly what we get in return.

Our projected vibe isn’t always obvious–to our eye, anyway. We may think we have an in-it-to-win-it attitude, only to live the same man-on-man nightmares over and over again. Or despite our irresistible charm, looks or wit, men resist us like the opposite end of a magnet. The energy we project is invisible to us, but men seem to pick it up like a natural force. They can tell if we are insecure despite our best efforts in hiding it. They can see the desperation in our eyes with the power of a powerful g-ray vision. They can also see our happiness and confidence gleaming from a bar away. Ever notice how when you’re feeling hot, others seem to make eye contact?

Take comfort, the laws of attraction work both ways. Remember the opposite reaction part? I’m sure you recall that one guy that was a complete turn-off for no particular reason (or at least no reason you can consciously identify)? At first glance, he seemed datable, but later you discovered that the vibe just wasn’t there. Compatibility plays a large role in connections; the energy we project is a major part of compatibility.

Most of us fail to realize, however, that each of us has complete control over the forces surrounding our attractions. We have the power to change others’ reactions towards us by using Newton’s Third Law and changing our own actions. As a degreed techie, I know that understanding Newton’s law is much easier than putting it into practice. The good news is that it’s not impossible. A change in our attitude and approach can change what we get back in return.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

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Dating Boot Camp: Tip #3: Find New Love By Closing Old Wounds

Get a Date, Seal The Deal and Make Your Love Last 

Being gay in the dating world can leave you in the trenches. Take back your dating life with the Dating Boot Camp filled with the tips and tools you need to get a date, seal the deal and make your relationship last. I will post a total of 10 new tips to help you on your way to a better dating life

Tip #3: Find New Love By Closing Old Wounds.
Reaching the Golden Age of Dating

Many years ago, a friend  relished in his ability to cite the most fabulous of historical monarchs, Elizabeth I. It’s said that the young queen harbored in the Golden Age of British prosperity. Even so, she lost her personal war on love.

“I am married to England,” Elizabeth declared in herring defiance to the miscreant Sir Robert Dudley. She risked her crown for her adorer. He, in return, broke her heart by plotting against her life. She kept him alive despite his treason as a constant reminder of how close she came to danger—declaring her independence from the like of any man. Her primary concern became matters she could control, not unpredictable men.

Modern day love isn’t quite as melodramatic, but my friend had experienced his fare share of no good Dudley’s. His dates always started out with excitement and ended in complete anarchy. Some mini-relationships lasted a few hours, other weeks until they suddenly ended with him left alone in a tower of loneliness and regret. He began dating with extreme caution, assuming that every man would inevitably break his heart.

It’s understandable: Why would he surrender to the monstrous dating scene? He’d been hurt so many times. The crown of his heart proved to be much more fragile than one of a kingdom. Instead of harboring in a new age of love, he wallowed in his lost opportunities.

There needed to be a change if he was ever to break the cycle. In order to make room for better love, he had to free his crowded perceptions.

Far too many of us take the bitter queen approach to love. You see, the mistake Elizabeth made was keeping Lord Robert alive. We too keep our old failures alive in the form of resentment, anger, bitterness and mistrust. And holding on to past failures leaves little room for future possibilities. Our crown jewels don’t always have to be protected in order for us to be fully appreciated by other people. Each opportunity must be approached with a clean bully of possibilities.

Sour subjects exist in every realm of dating potentials. And most of us, at some point or another, have fallen victim to their folly. But better, more affirmative people await our approach. Only by sending old wounds to the gallows can we harbor in a new, more prosperous golden age of dating.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

Dating Boot Camp: Tip #2: Dating Efficiency

Get a Date, Seal The Deal and Make Your Love Last
 

Being gay in the dating world can leave you in the trenches. Take back your dating life with the Dating Boot Camp filled with the tips and tools you need to get a date, seal the deal and make your relationship last. I will post a total of 10 new tips to help you on your way to a better dating life

Tip #2: Dating Efficiency
Use Your Dating Time Wisely
 

As resources become more limited, our lives are becoming more efficient. We thirst for more conscious everything: cars, appliances, materials, and our personal and professional time. Industries and individuals can no longer afford waste of any kind.

Still, despite the limitation of resources, our needs and desires change little (if at all). In relation to romance, the need for companionship remains constant yet the availability of the personal time and energy available for dating dries up faster than an SUV gallon. We’re working longer hours, planning bigger, and wading just above the surface of a crude environment. So, where do we find the time to look for a date?

In times of limited resources, we must manage dating the same as other areas of our lives. The anticipation of finding a partner and the excitement of a potential match is great, but it can become an obsession when we spend countless hours refreshing our inbox, hoping for a new message.

Instead, use your time more wisely with a proactive approach. Set time limits for yourself and be direct about your interests and disinterest. Try not to view your search as a stressor, but an experience that will eventually produce a return on your investment. A better-managed dating approach will optimize your resources and balance your life, making you a better catch in the long run.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

Dating Boot Camp: Tip #1: Cosmic Loneliness

Get a Date, Seal The Deal and Make Your Love Last

Being gay in the dating world can leave you in the trenches. Take back your dating life with the Dating Boot Camp filled with the tips and tools you need to get a date, seal the deal and make your relationship last. I will post a total of 10 new tips to help you on your way to a better dating life.

Tip #1: Cosmic Loneliness
A Man Won’t Cure The Loneliness

In Their Eyes Were Watching God, author Zora Neale Hurston asks, “Did marriage end the cosmic loneliness of the unmated?”

The quick answer is no. As is the theme of Hurston’s classic, any one person’s wholeness is affected by, but not fulfilled through, a relationship. Many of us are of the notion that finding a relationship will complete us. However, despite what our math teacher taught, a half plus a half doesn’t always equal a whole. It takes two complete people to produce the sum of a healthy partnership (or each person needs to be as complete as possible).

They say you must first love yourself before you can be loved or love another. Part of loving yourself is being able to tolerate and enjoy spending time with yourself. Entering into a relationship as a remedy for loneliness or any other need puts undo pressure on your partner and your relationship when it’s you that must actively work to resolve your needs. The relationship may solve your immediate wants, but the issues surrounding your longings will only resurface until you resolve them.

Should we all be content living alone? Of course not. Companionship is a wonderful addition to our lives. We’re human after all. The ideal situation, however, is to allow companionship to compliment our lives and not become a substitute for what’s missing. A partner won’t cure the loneliness.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

When First Dates Go Wrong

There inevitably comes a moment during every difficult first date when you pause and think, “I am an utter moron for having ever agreed to this.” But before you resign to the idea of a life of La-Z-Boy armchairs and reruns of The Office, take a moment to try to reconcile the situation. (And no, that doesn’t mean having you best friend call with a beckoning “emergency.”) Here are a few simple ideas for managing those awkward first date moments.

The Silence

Don’t check your Blackberry. Don’t stare at your shoes, their shoes, talk about the décor, panic, vomit. There are ways to break the silence without resorting to the awful, “Boy, isn’t this awkward!” Your best bet is to come prepared. Google your date. While you may feel a little stalker-ish in the moment, you’ll be thanking Twitter later when you can break the ice with an anecdote about your latest dog-walking misadventure (having landed upon his Twitpic of his furry friend just before the date). Come up with a list of things to say when the quiet strikes. Ask about their family, job, travels. You’ll be much more confident if you come prepared.

The Realization

It’ll never work. Sometimes this realization comes within the first five minutes (God help you), and sometimes it’s well into the date. But just because you and your politically-agitated, still-lives-with-mother dinner partner won’t be walking down the aisle anytime soon, it doesn’t mean you can just get up and bail. Here’s one way to grapple through this date going nowhere: think of a single friend who would be perfect for your date, and let the interviewing begin. It’ll become clear to your date that you two won’t jive, but it will keep the conversation going at the very least. And hey, maybe someone will get a match after all.

The Bill

Don’t let it sit there like a patent leather-cased elephant in the room. Make your move, and do it fast. Reach for your purse or wallet just after the check lands on the table. Even if you have no intention of paying, it’s good dating etiquette to offer to split the bill. Don’t argue if they say they’ll pay. The less time spent talking about the check, the better.  

The Goodbye

There’s nothing worse than the awkward handshake-turned-hug. They’re not your bro; there’s no reason for that. Decide what you’re comfortable with beforehand. If you know what you want, beat them to the punch. Go for a quick peck and goodbye, if that’s what you’re after. Prefer to follow their lead? Leave an opening. A second or two of premeditated (on your part, at least) silence and they’ll move to action. Be completely passive, and goodbye will go a lot faster.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

Dating Men: When He Says X… He Means Y

Are you two-faced about dating?

When he says he “needs space,” what does that really mean? Read on as we explore the difference between what a dating man might say — and what he actually means!

Some time ago there was an eHarmony Advice discussion about what a man really means when he asks to split the check after dinner on the first date. Does he REALLY want to split the check? Most men agreed that even though he asked to split the check, what he really wants is his date to refuse to let him and pay the whole thing himself. How’s that for confusing? We thought it might be nice to examine some of the ways that men, while dating, say one thing and mean another.

1. “I’d love to come in, but I have to get up early tomorrow.”

Really means one of these two options:
• 99% – “I don’t feel great chemistry with you.”
• 1% – “I’m dog tired and I have to get up early.”

It is not unheard of for a man to be tired at 10 p.m. on a Thursday night. If you’ve been out having a dinner date, seeing some entertainment or talking all evening, fatigue can set in. But if you invite a man in and he refuses, the chances are very good he’s not feeling the strong tug of chemistry. Inviting someone in isn’t an offer for physical intimacy, certainly, but many men will interpret it that way, even if it’s only wishful thinking.

You can certainly test this by going on a weekend date, and judging his response to your offer. If he’s “got to get up early” two times in a row – you have your answer.

2. “What did you do this past weekend?”

Really Means – “Do you have a life? Do you have friends or are you looking for me to provide all your entertainment?”

eHarmony founder Neil Clark Warren is fond of saying that the best way to be attractive to potential dating partners is to have a big fun life when you’re single. We’ve all dated the person who is simply waiting to be entertained. When a man asks about your weekend and you say, “I just sat around the house,” all kinds of warning bells go off.

3. “I need some space.”

Really means one of these two options:
• 98% – “I need a new boyfriend.”
• 2% – “I think I might need a new boyfriend, and I need some distance so I can decide for sure.”

This is an interesting sentence since most men will say what they mean. Most healthy relationships already have enough space and alone-time for a person to do their contemplating about how they feel. Many men use this sentence as a break-up strategy, with the idea that once they are away from you, the break-up will be easier for them to execute.

If a man is moving out to get his space, it is virtually assured that he won’t be moving back in. If a man is suggesting that you don’t see each other for a few weeks while he figures out what he wants to do, the chances are good that he’s testing the water with someone else. He may come back, but you’ll need to ask yourself if you really want to be with a man who is so unsure about his desire to be with you.

4. “I had a nice time. I’ll give you a call.”

Really Means – “The time we spent together was not unpleasant, and I don’t really know how to say goodnight without telling you I’ll call. I might call you, but don’t hold your breath.”

When it comes to how the man feels about dating you, this sentence means nothing. The fact that he had a nice time while eating, drinking and talking with you says nothing about his desire to start a relationship with you.

And the “I’ll give you a call” bit is possibly nothing more than a social nicety like, “Take Care” or “Come See Us”. Some men are trained to be so polite at all times that they can’t end a date without booking a next one. Place no expectation on this phrase.

5. “Yes, I’m interested in a serious relationship.”

Really Means – “I’m carefully assessing every man I meet, and when I find one that feels just right. I’ll keep him.”

Men have a reputation for being commitment phobic, and this reputation is born out of what men say while dating. The truth is a little harder to take. Many men will blame their disinterest in a particular person on their commitment phobia, but they aren’t really scared of commitment. They have decided, based on what they’ve seen and heard that this particular guy isn’t right for them. That’s not commitment phobia. That’s good, smart mate selection!

6. “You’re beautiful.”

Really Means – “You’re really beautiful.”

Sometimes men say what they mean. Sure, he’s physically attracted to you, and he probably wants to express that in some way, but there’s no reason to doubt that he thinks you’re a hot man.

7. “It’s not you, It’s me.”

Really Means – “I’m doing the dumping, so technically it is me, not you. But I’m breaking up because I just don’t feel it for you. I’m sure you don’t want a personality critique so this is an easier way to end it.”

Break-ups are hard on everyone. There are men who have dated a partner they didn’t really like for YEARS because they can’t figure out how to break-up. When a man comes to the point of expressing his desire to end the relationship, why make it tough on him? He’s doing his best to leave. “It’s not you. It’s me,” may be old and tired but it’s really just a kinder stand-in for, “This isn’t working. Can we end it?” Some people dig for explanations and closure, but does it really matter? He wants to go, and you deserve a man who will fight Hell and half of a circuit party to be with you. It’s time to move on.

8. “He’s just an old friend.”

Really means one of these two options:
• 98% “He’s someone I used to date.”
• 2% “I once made a move on him and he wasn’t interested.”

Any old friend of your boyfriend is a potential past relationship. In fact, it’s probably safe to assume that they dated as a default. This doesn’t entitle you to any special questions or information. It is, however, good to know, because at some future time if you ever feel like there is a closeness between them that is inappropriate, you’ll be well within your rights to say, “Did you guys ever have romantic feelings? Do you think those still might be lingering?”

9. “Work is crazy right now. I just don’t have time for a relationship.”

Really Means – “I’m not interested in a relationship with you.”

Here is a simple fact about most men. If a man REALLY wants to date you, nothing in this world will keep him from you. Of course, life can be complicated. An airline pilot is constantly flying from city to city and may say to you, “You know I travel a lot,” but if he wants to pursue a relationship with you, he won’t use that as an excuse. He will work with it. He’ll explain why he can still date and be gone 4 days a week.

It’s a great litmus test to determine just how much a man is interested. When you start hearing lots of reasons why he isn’t free, you know what he’s trying to say.

10. “I’m not interested in anything serious. I just want to have fun.”

Really Means – “I just want to have a physical relationship.”

Life is a series of stages, and one of the best reasons to end a relationship early is because you determine that you and your date are at different stages. You’re ready to get serious and pursue a long-term relationship. He just got out of a 2-year serious relationship and wants to date lots of guys and be casual. All the compatibility in the world isn’t going to create a lasting bond between you two. So, keep your ears perked up for the words “serious” and “fun”. “Serious” is code for long-term relationship. “Fun” is code for casual encounters.

A word of caution. Men will often cloud the water a bit with qualifiers like, “I just want to have fun and see where things go. Let’s not put so much expectation on it all.” That’s a fine sentiment, but the people who end up in successful relationships are usually people who are ready and seeking them out. A man who wants to just have fun and see where things go is probably more into the “fun” part than the “seeing where it goes” part.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

Should We Have Sex Yet? Negotiating Your First Time With Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful…


Question: 
At what point does a dating relationship turn sexual if you’re looking for a lasting relationship?
 

The reader posing this question (who wishes to keep his name and precise wording confidential) goes on to say that in his experience, sex too soon in a dating relationship seemed to make the connection all about sex, while waiting for an extended period of time resulted in men perceiving him as a “tease” or being uninterested in them for anything but just friendship.

So what’s a guy to do? When is the right time to have sex so as not to sabotage the development of a potentially healthy relationship with a compatible dating prospect?

Well, the long and the short of it is that there is no right time! There’s no science or magic formula to negotiating the right time to be sexual to guarantee lasting success. There are no guarantees in relationships.

What it boils down to is each individual’s readiness and comfort level with taking things to that next step and keeping the channels of communication open.

So while there’s no hard, fast rule, this article will offer some tips and questions for reflection for you to decide when the time is right for you to take things to the “bedroom level.” Through this content, perhaps you will discover some factors that might promote the opportunity for success of a long-term relationship that you can integrate into your own dating plan and sexual decision-making practices.

Sex & Gay Dating

Sex is obviously a very important part of a relationship. In gay dating, sex actually plays a vital developmental role in helping a man to explore his sexuality during the coming-out process and forming his identity as a gay man; it’s a healthy rite-of-passage. Sex plays other roles though in gay culture. Its purpose can be for: *pure recreational fun *tension release *a thrill for conquest *a rebellion against heterosexist norms *an uncontrollable addiction *a way to boost one’s self-esteem *a mask for emotional problems *a temporary cure for boredom or loneliness *horniness gratification *a vehicle for avoiding emotional intimacy…among others.

For you, as the serious dater seeking Mr. Right, your vision for the primary purpose of sex is as an expression of your feelings of adoration for one another, cementing a bond of closeness and connection as you begin to seal an identity as a couple with the intention of life-long commitment. Your job is to adequately screen your dating partners to determine if their vision for sexuality and life aligns with yours. It’s when there’s a mismatch between these visions or differing motives from the purposes above that leads to relationships ending before they even got started when sex enters the picture early on.

Knowing Thyself

Before you even begin your dating adventures, you must have a solid vision in place of what and who you’re looking for. What are your personal requirements, needs, and wants for a life partner and a relationship? What does dating mean to you and what does it look like? What are your sexual values and attitudes? The answers to these questions become your guide for detecting the “right” vs. the “wrong” types of guys you’re seeking.

Sex is so glamorized in our gay culture that the pressure to succumb to its powerful influences can be overwhelming. That’s why you must have a plan in place before you date so you can more readily “stick to your guns” and not be swayed by temptations or other forces. Knowing yourself and your values is key. Your beliefs about the role you want sex to play in your dating life will shape your behavior as such.

Meeting Mr. Wonderful…Now What?!

It’s hard work creating your own vision, but then to assess another guy’s vision for compatibility is another feat that’s not easily accomplished in one or two dates. It’s a process. That’s why introducing sex too early into a dating relationship can be sabotaging because the relationship gets defined around sex before a foundation of trust and intimacy has been established. This isn’t to say that meaningful relationships can’t evolve from a sex-based affiliation, but in a lot of cases premature sex can send the wrong message or tone that then permeates the entire relationship—and it can be irreversible. Not to mention determining your new guy’s sexual values and motives discussed earlier may not be so easily detectable in the early stages of dating. And finally, once you have sex, all objectivity can go flying right out the window and that can make screening your new lover’s true compatibility with your vision that much more blurred and obscure.

Most gay dating experts agree that a wise approach for those seeking long-term relationships is to hold off on sex for at least 3-4 dates with a man. This allows time for a friendship to develop, to screen each other to the best you can for “goodness-of-fit”, and lets the relationship be defined around common interests, goals, and mature companionship—enduring qualities that highlight successful relationships. Sex alone is not sufficient to carry a lasting partnership. You’ll also be able to tell in a lot of cases whether the man is genuinely interested in you or if he’s solely after sex or gratification of other motives. Once you have sex, it changes the dynamics, so it’s important to pace the relationship.