Manthropology: Sex With A Couple

What’s making their bulges so big: The desire to get off with someone else other than each other. 

What’s on their coffee table: Decorative items, coasters.

What’s under their coffee table: Board games for social mixers with other couples, porn (videos and magazines).

What’s in their wallets: Businss cards, charge cards, pictures of each other and their pets, condoms for random consented hook-ups with other guys.

What’s under their bed: More porn, sex toys used on the last guy they had over, extra set of sheets and guest linens.

Family tree: “We’re exploring”

With all of these “open relationships” around, this seems to be happening a lot more than I thought, so I figured I’d better include it in the Manthropology Guide. Other then at a club night, your best chance of hooking up with a hot and horny couple is at a regular cocktail party. Get yourself invited to one that is being hosted by a couple, and you can be sure the place will be crawling with other couples. As the liquor consumption increases, so do your odds of ending up in a three-way. Work the room and you might be lucky enough to score.

They’ll want to take you to their place which is likely to have an enormous bed anyway, so you might as well enjoy it. Once you’re inside, the clothes will come off pretty quickly since everyone present already knows it’s just about the sex. Rule number one: you are going to be more attracted to one of the guys than the other, but you can’t play favorites. If you don’t think you can do this, then keep your eyes closed. That way, you won’t know whose mouth is massaging Mr. Happy, and better yet; you won’t care. Chances are they will treat you like visiting royalty so be prepared for lots of manual, oral, and anal action; often, all at the same time. After a while you won’t know who’s doing what to whom and they’ll be so many condoms on the floor afterward walking to the bathroom will be like walking your way through a mine field.

Sex with a couple will test your versatility title as you know they’ll either a top and bottom or both versatile and will both want to play with you. You not only want to tantalize them with your technique and dazzle them with your diligence, you also want to let them know that you and Little Elvis are up for just about anything they can serve.

Post sex, there is usually no need for you to do anything since they will assume their hosting duties. There will be two of them to handle the warm, wet towel action, condom disposal and some more water for you to rehydrate. I generally don’t recommend a sleepover with couples since you never know what kind of drama might break out in the morning. But if they ask you to stay, and you think you want to, don’t just flop down in the middle; let them decide who goes where and don’t be surprised when you wake up with two boners poking around your booty.

Hot, sweaty sex potential: (More bodies, more heat, more sweat.)

Getting some real estate out of the deal potential: (Very low, but you may snag an invitation to their vacation house for a repeater)

Long-term relationship potential: (A LTR with a couple is something completely different; it’s usually known by the more pedestrian term “House Boy”)

Good stories to tell your friends over brunch potential: (If they’re not copping an attitude, they’ll be pitching tents under the table)

Possible bonus points: Picking up decorating tips from the couple, and knowing you could finally write your own piece for a porno magazine.

Manthropology: Sex With A Twinkie

What’s making his bulge so big: Perpetual hard-on.

What’s in his wallet: Four dollers, Visa card (his mom’s account), best friend’s toll-free number at work, phone numbers of the five guys he’s slept with in the past month, ATM receipt (showing negative balance), school I.D.

Favorite store: Abercrombie & Fitch.

Family tree: Incurable flirt

Section A: If You Want A Twinkie

Back in the old days the hard-and-fast cutoff age for twinkiedom was twenty, no exceptions. But now that we’re on the far side of that tender age, we’re willing to allow up to age twenty-four. The Twinkie has the power of youth on his side, and not much else. However, with youth being what it is in our culture, there’s quite a bit to be gained by having it. And yet, there can be more to the Twink than lack of flab and crow’s feet. We like to think that what makes the Twink so attractive is that, along with youth, he retains a certain sense of wonder, enthusiasm, and enjoyment in his newly found gayness. The Twink approaches gay life with great gusto. He loves to go to gay bars (almost every night, in fact) to go dancing (provided the music is fabulous) and drinking (he may not yet have to get up in the morning for a job, but if he does, still manages to to look great in the morning), and he is generally in touch with his “we love gay ife” side.

If you can’t bring yourself to crash the local university or college homo-hop, you’ll find high concentrations of Twinks in just about any coffee shop in the gay part of town, as well as in the most mainstream gay bars just about any night of the week. We all know that gay bars are sometimes not so strict about checking ID, so even the under-18 set can be found downing drinks during Friday night happy hour.

Your approach should be easy-going,; the Twink will respond to your advanced age (even if you’re just a few years older) and experience with great enthusiasm, especially if you’re picking up the drink tab. Since the Twink will most likely be hanging out with lots of his little friends, it’s good strategy to buy the pals a round as well. This may set you back a little since the Twink usually travels in large packs, but as they say, if you want to swim with the fishes… Throw in dinner at a restaurant, and you’re golden.

Don’t expect conversation with a Twinkie to be particularly scintillating. Just remember what your own bar chats sounded like when you were that age. Don’t assume that he has the same values, politics, or work ethic you do. But if you give him a chance, the Twink may actually have some interesting things to say. And make sure you have some good stories up your sleeve, since he’ll want to know all about what life is like when you’ve reached the unbelievably advanced age of, say, twenty-nine. He’ll probably want to know about your job; what it’s like to have your own apartment (and you really should have your own place by now); and any cool places you’ve visited (keep in mind that your South Beach stories just won’t cut it, since he’s probably been spring-breaking it in Aspen for the last three years).

A Twinkie will bring that same lust for life into the bedroom and be quite eager to please you. As the grown-up in this adventure, you will have to make sure that he receives clear instructions. Stick with the basics; the Twink will definitely not be ready to take on your collection of tush ticklers. Show him all your best moves, and assuming he’s a good student, he will reciprocate by doing them back to you. All in all, not a bad arrangement, if a bit routine at times. Most Twinks can become veritable sex machines in no time. He’ll be willing to haul his ass over to your place at the drop of a hat, and all it will cost you is cab-fare reimbursement. A note of caution: If you’re really good in bed, and surely by this point in your life you are, the Twink may develop a huge crush on you with annoying habits like calling you at the office, dropping by your apartment unannounced, maybe even writing you little love notes. If he starts hinting that he’d really like to go with you the next time you visit Palm Springs and you’re not looking to settle down any time soon, it may be time to lose him. It will be hard for him, and be prepared for some cold-shoulder drama the next time you see him at the bar, but rest assured, he will be back at that bar in no time. Just like you were at that age.

Hot, sweaty sex potential: (Unless he wears you out first)

 

Getting some real estate out of the deal potential: Zero (0)

Long-term relationship potential: (If he’s ready to try his first relationship, he may stick around for a while)

 

Good stories to tell your friends over brunch potential: (Your friends will be impressed with your ability to keep up with the Twink’s capacity for multiple sessions in one night)

 

Possible bonus points: You’ll be totally up-to-date on all the latest dance tunes and he can do just about anything you need done on your computer.

Section B: If You Are A Twinkie

Just because you’re young, cute, and a cheap date doesn’t mean that you can get away with being obnoxious. Enjoy your youthful adventures, do your best to learn as much as possible from your elders, and be sure to cop a few swank dinner invites while you’re at it. As a Twinkie, you should:

  1. Have at least one nice suit for special occasions
  2. Be thankful for any free drinks or dinners that come your way, even if the giver is a troll
  3. Be fun at parties
  4. Not be having fun at those parties with the cater waiter in the butler’s pantry
  5. Avoid “bar trash”
  6. Avoid becoming “bar trash”
  7. Have at least one or two goals, other than figuring out how to make twelve dollers last all night at the bar
  8. Always look your best (no two-day beard growth, and put a little cover-up on those dark circles if you need to. Remember “young and cute” is your look, so work it for all it’s worth).

That said, you should also know that being good in bed is almost as good as being young and cute. The older guys you pick up aren’t looking for slow learners, so pay attention. They may try to seem considerate and want you to cum first, and tha’s fine. Just remember: It ain’t over until the other guy moans, and the last thing you want is a reputation for being a pig in bed. So no falling asleep right after orgasm. Another good trick that people over twenty-five find endearing is your desire (and ability) to fool around again after, like, five minutes. Work that one as much as possible, while you still can.

Manthropology: Sex With A Leatherman

What’s making his bulge so big: A cock ring (one of many types he owns).

What’s in his pockets: A red hankie, a pack of imported brand of cigarettes, a Zippo, receipt from a one-day membership at a sex club, , go-tube of lube, a magnum condom, phone number of another guy he picked up last week (and has left tied up at home since), leather cord for testicle trussing (just in case), cash (no wallet for fear of getting robbed by a trick), Viagra.

What he’s driving: A pickup truck.

Preferred pet: Rottweiler.

What’s on his coffee table: The Complete Tom of Finland Book, Honcho, penis-shaped lighter and the latest copies of the Priape Leather and Northbound Leather catalogues.

What’s under his coffee table: Vanity Fair, Bon Appetit, cheesy cut crystal ashtray from his mother in Buffalo.

What’s in the room with the closed door: You DON’T want to know (but if you do, a leather harness, a leather or rubber sling, numerous leather accessories, an obscene amount of sex toys, an assortment of water and silicone based lubricants, poppers and maybe a saint andrew’s cross)

It’s ironic that even though a Sugar Daddy would probably never want you to call him Daddy, a Leatherman might. I’m not sure exactly how many leathermen like this, or even how one decides who the daddy is, but as usual, I’m sure there’s a finite science to it all. Let’s assume that you want to broaden your horizons a bit and want to pick up a leather guy. Not surprisingly, the best place to do this is at the local leather bar. And trust me; every city has at least one. You can be sure with a little drive-by recon mission. If you see a lot of big fellows in biker caps and in jeans that show major box, then chances are pretty good that you’re in the right place.

Since you may not have an arsenal of leather goods in your closet, it’s probably best to stick with the old Levi’s-and-T-shirt look. The leather bar is definitely not the place to waltz in wearing your latest Ralph Lauren Polo plaid ensemble. Leather bars tend to be a little old and grungy, so wear work boots or other appropriate footwear to keep from scuffing up your new Kenneth Coles. And just because you’re in a leather bar is no reason to forget good accessories. If you can scrounge up a nice old leather wallet and secure it to your jeans with a leather chain, all the better.

The good news is that you probably shouldn’t have any trouble finding a man, since leather bars are definitely cruisey, in a retro sort of way. Order a beer; martinis just won’t do here; and don’t expect a glass. This is not the time to show off your boutique-beer knowledge, or to order anything “Light”. Ditto on anything with lime. Take a few laps around the place to get a feel for it; you’ll have to allow at least a few minutes for your eyes to adjust to the darkness. Most likely, there will be menergy in every nook and cranny of the bar; now it’s up to you to figure out what will turn you on. Once you’ve found your man, place yourself a few feet away, and let him make the first move, since he’s the daddy tonight.

Expect the conversation to be minimal; you could be on your way home in just a few minutes. Your Leather Daddy will want to take you to his place, which is probably where you’ll want to go anyway, to see what other leather lure he may have. Always take your own car; if not, make sure you’ve got cab fare in case you need to make a quick exit. Expect to get down to business pretty quickly. Your leather lover may have lots of toys like cock rings leather straps to wrap around his “stuff”, maybe a few piercings or brands. Let him take the lead. When he tells you to go down on him, do it, and enjoy the fresh leather smell (not unlike the interior of that new Lexus that you last Sugar Daddy had).

Also keep in mind that most Leathermen don’t wear antiperspirant, preferring a deep manly-man scent. That mixed with the aroma of leather could be a whole new ball game for you, so make the most of it. Don’t forget lots of not-so-gentle tugs and pulls on all of his body paraphernalia; it wouldn’t be there if he didn’t want you to play with it. Also, try things like dick-whipping and love taps on his tush. He’ll probably be a little rough with you as well. Don’t get squeamish; if you wanted bland sex you wouldn’t have pursued a Leatherman; and also be prepared to go all the way with “full sex”. Again, since he’s the daddy, he’ll likely want to pop your cherry so make sure you’re ready for it and when you make that explosive noise when you orgasm, direct it from your gut and shape it into more of a growling satisfaction: he’ll love that. He’ll probably prefer to fall asleep with your love spunk all over his stomach.

I recommend not staying overnight as you may wake up in leather restraints with a foreign object entering your body again; much like the night before.

Hot, sweaty sex potential: (With all that leather and lust flying, how could it not be?)

 

Getting some real estate out of the deal potential: (Forget it, and even if you did, it would not be in the gilded postal code you’re looking for).

 

Long-term relationship potential: (If the sex really turns you on, and he has a decent day job, then go for it).

 

Good stories to tell your friends over brunch potential: (If your friends are less adventurous than you are, it might be a good idea to leave out the part about the handprints he left on your ass).

 

Possible bonus points: Good experience for your repertoire, maybe a little leather toy to take home with you, easy access for repeat performances.

The Difference Between a Leatherman and a Bear

Leather bars not only attract those Tom of Finland types that we used to fantasize about as kids; they also attract a sort of subspecies: the Bear. The Bear shares a few of the attributes of the Leatherman, but often adds quite a few to them. These tips will help you figure out which side of the bar you’ll want to hang out in.

Leatherman vs. Bear

Cut vs. Cushy
190 vs. 290
Sheared vs. Shaggy
Six-pack under jacket vs. Six-pack under front seat
Hot ‘n’ Horny vs Hot ‘n’ Sweaty
Studs vs. Spuds
Strong biceps vs. Strong bifocals
Dangerous curves vs. Wide load
Overnight male vs. Extra postage required
Packs a whopper vs. Packs a family meal