Manthropology: Sex With A Couple

What’s making their bulges so big: The desire to get off with someone else other than each other. 

What’s on their coffee table: Decorative items, coasters.

What’s under their coffee table: Board games for social mixers with other couples, porn (videos and magazines).

What’s in their wallets: Businss cards, charge cards, pictures of each other and their pets, condoms for random consented hook-ups with other guys.

What’s under their bed: More porn, sex toys used on the last guy they had over, extra set of sheets and guest linens.

Family tree: “We’re exploring”

With all of these “open relationships” around, this seems to be happening a lot more than I thought, so I figured I’d better include it in the Manthropology Guide. Other then at a club night, your best chance of hooking up with a hot and horny couple is at a regular cocktail party. Get yourself invited to one that is being hosted by a couple, and you can be sure the place will be crawling with other couples. As the liquor consumption increases, so do your odds of ending up in a three-way. Work the room and you might be lucky enough to score.

They’ll want to take you to their place which is likely to have an enormous bed anyway, so you might as well enjoy it. Once you’re inside, the clothes will come off pretty quickly since everyone present already knows it’s just about the sex. Rule number one: you are going to be more attracted to one of the guys than the other, but you can’t play favorites. If you don’t think you can do this, then keep your eyes closed. That way, you won’t know whose mouth is massaging Mr. Happy, and better yet; you won’t care. Chances are they will treat you like visiting royalty so be prepared for lots of manual, oral, and anal action; often, all at the same time. After a while you won’t know who’s doing what to whom and they’ll be so many condoms on the floor afterward walking to the bathroom will be like walking your way through a mine field.

Sex with a couple will test your versatility title as you know they’ll either a top and bottom or both versatile and will both want to play with you. You not only want to tantalize them with your technique and dazzle them with your diligence, you also want to let them know that you and Little Elvis are up for just about anything they can serve.

Post sex, there is usually no need for you to do anything since they will assume their hosting duties. There will be two of them to handle the warm, wet towel action, condom disposal and some more water for you to rehydrate. I generally don’t recommend a sleepover with couples since you never know what kind of drama might break out in the morning. But if they ask you to stay, and you think you want to, don’t just flop down in the middle; let them decide who goes where and don’t be surprised when you wake up with two boners poking around your booty.

Hot, sweaty sex potential: (More bodies, more heat, more sweat.)

Getting some real estate out of the deal potential: (Very low, but you may snag an invitation to their vacation house for a repeater)

Long-term relationship potential: (A LTR with a couple is something completely different; it’s usually known by the more pedestrian term “House Boy”)

Good stories to tell your friends over brunch potential: (If they’re not copping an attitude, they’ll be pitching tents under the table)

Possible bonus points: Picking up decorating tips from the couple, and knowing you could finally write your own piece for a porno magazine.

Manthropology: Sex With A Gym Natzi

What’s making his bulge so big: Packet of protein powder.

What’s in his gym bag: MP3 player, at least nine phone numbers of guys he’s met at the gym, extra set of workout clothes, self-tanner, razor for body-shave touch-ups, velcro weight belt, GNC Gold Card, empty water bottles, PowerBars, creatine, 2-in-1 shampoo and body wash.

What’s on his coffee table: Men’s Health Magazine, Flex, GQ, International Male catalog, low-carb snacks.

What’s under his coffee table: Two twenty-five pound dumbbells, grip flexors, two pairs of dirty socks (which double as cum rags for autoerotic sofa sessions)

What’s in his fridge: Five-pound pack of chicken breasts, rice, skim milk, light beer and pre-portioned meals.

What’s in his wallet: Seven dollers, business card of a “photographer” he met at the gym who asked him for pose for a calendar, membership card to after-hours dance club, more phone numbers of guys he met at the gym, key card for parking garage of a law firm he works as an assistant for.

What’s under his bed: More Men’s Health Magazine, old work-out posters, the shirt he plans to fill out completely before wearing it dancing.

Family tree: Shy guy, pouty pouf and silent stud

The Gym Natzi (GN) spends just about all of his spare time sculpting his ever-more-fabulous body, so it goes without saying that the place to meet one is at the gym, or at the nearby protein shake bar. The pickup may be a little tough, since it will be hard to get him to take his eyes off of himself long enough to notice you. And whenever you think you’re having a mirror scope, you can bet your bottom doller he’s not looking at you. He’s just checking out his traps from a different angle.

The only way to get time is to ask him for some assistance with an excercise or a machine you undoubtly already know how to use. You can also try asking if he’ll spot for you, or if you can share his set. But you’d better be buff enough to warrant his attention; otherwise he’ll just lumber on past. If you really want to lay it on thick, try opening with a compliment on some well-developed but little-known muscle he’s cultivated:
You: “Hey, you’ve got awesome anterior lattisimus rear deltoids man. How do you target those?”
GN: “Um with dumbbells.”
You can see where this is headed. The average GN is not known for his conversational skills, although if you stick with excercise talk, you’ve got a good shot for at least five more sentances from him. Don’t be offended if he constantly turns away from you to look at himself in the mirror while you are speaking. That’s just what GN’s do. If you’re looking for action right then and there, invite him for a postworkout protein shake, then cut to the chase.

You’ve maneuvered him back to your place, you’ve offered him a PowerBar, and it’s time to get down to action. Since the GN is used to being worshipped from afar, you’re going to have to make the first move. I recommend opening with a little postworkout massage action. He takes the bait, and you’re off. The thing about Gym Natzi sex is that it’s really about the visuals; sort of like watching a porno, just a little more up close and personal, and you happen to be starring in it. Knowing this, your best bet is to go for a quick linear progression: some manual action, then a little oral expertise, and finish with deep sea diving. Remember to keep your eyes on him the whole time since thats the reason you dragged him back to your place in the first place. And since you’ll be running into him at the gym again, be polite and at least ask for his phone number, even though you know damn well that you’ll never call. Then send him and his oversize gym bag packing.

Hot, sweaty sex potential: Unless he really gets into it the GN will most likely just enjoy the attention his body got for him.

 

Getting some real estate out of the deal potential: Zero (0). No need for an explanation on this point.

Long-term relationship potential: (That is, if you are in-shape and if you consider showing him off to your friends for a few months long-term. Never forget, gain an ounce of fat and he’ll be yesterday’s news as well)

 

Good stories to tell your friends over brunch potential: (It’s more about the notch on your weight belt than the actual sex)

 

Possible bonus points: Scamming some free personal training sessions out of him; your friends will be green with envy.

Have you ever hooked up with a guy from the gym? Write in to Gossip Guy at gossipguy@bell.net to share your story.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

Manthropology: Sex With A Twinkie

What’s making his bulge so big: Perpetual hard-on.

What’s in his wallet: Four dollers, Visa card (his mom’s account), best friend’s toll-free number at work, phone numbers of the five guys he’s slept with in the past month, ATM receipt (showing negative balance), school I.D.

Favorite store: Abercrombie & Fitch.

Family tree: Incurable flirt

Section A: If You Want A Twinkie

Back in the old days the hard-and-fast cutoff age for twinkiedom was twenty, no exceptions. But now that we’re on the far side of that tender age, we’re willing to allow up to age twenty-four. The Twinkie has the power of youth on his side, and not much else. However, with youth being what it is in our culture, there’s quite a bit to be gained by having it. And yet, there can be more to the Twink than lack of flab and crow’s feet. We like to think that what makes the Twink so attractive is that, along with youth, he retains a certain sense of wonder, enthusiasm, and enjoyment in his newly found gayness. The Twink approaches gay life with great gusto. He loves to go to gay bars (almost every night, in fact) to go dancing (provided the music is fabulous) and drinking (he may not yet have to get up in the morning for a job, but if he does, still manages to to look great in the morning), and he is generally in touch with his “we love gay ife” side.

If you can’t bring yourself to crash the local university or college homo-hop, you’ll find high concentrations of Twinks in just about any coffee shop in the gay part of town, as well as in the most mainstream gay bars just about any night of the week. We all know that gay bars are sometimes not so strict about checking ID, so even the under-18 set can be found downing drinks during Friday night happy hour.

Your approach should be easy-going,; the Twink will respond to your advanced age (even if you’re just a few years older) and experience with great enthusiasm, especially if you’re picking up the drink tab. Since the Twink will most likely be hanging out with lots of his little friends, it’s good strategy to buy the pals a round as well. This may set you back a little since the Twink usually travels in large packs, but as they say, if you want to swim with the fishes… Throw in dinner at a restaurant, and you’re golden.

Don’t expect conversation with a Twinkie to be particularly scintillating. Just remember what your own bar chats sounded like when you were that age. Don’t assume that he has the same values, politics, or work ethic you do. But if you give him a chance, the Twink may actually have some interesting things to say. And make sure you have some good stories up your sleeve, since he’ll want to know all about what life is like when you’ve reached the unbelievably advanced age of, say, twenty-nine. He’ll probably want to know about your job; what it’s like to have your own apartment (and you really should have your own place by now); and any cool places you’ve visited (keep in mind that your South Beach stories just won’t cut it, since he’s probably been spring-breaking it in Aspen for the last three years).

A Twinkie will bring that same lust for life into the bedroom and be quite eager to please you. As the grown-up in this adventure, you will have to make sure that he receives clear instructions. Stick with the basics; the Twink will definitely not be ready to take on your collection of tush ticklers. Show him all your best moves, and assuming he’s a good student, he will reciprocate by doing them back to you. All in all, not a bad arrangement, if a bit routine at times. Most Twinks can become veritable sex machines in no time. He’ll be willing to haul his ass over to your place at the drop of a hat, and all it will cost you is cab-fare reimbursement. A note of caution: If you’re really good in bed, and surely by this point in your life you are, the Twink may develop a huge crush on you with annoying habits like calling you at the office, dropping by your apartment unannounced, maybe even writing you little love notes. If he starts hinting that he’d really like to go with you the next time you visit Palm Springs and you’re not looking to settle down any time soon, it may be time to lose him. It will be hard for him, and be prepared for some cold-shoulder drama the next time you see him at the bar, but rest assured, he will be back at that bar in no time. Just like you were at that age.

Hot, sweaty sex potential: (Unless he wears you out first)

 

Getting some real estate out of the deal potential: Zero (0)

Long-term relationship potential: (If he’s ready to try his first relationship, he may stick around for a while)

 

Good stories to tell your friends over brunch potential: (Your friends will be impressed with your ability to keep up with the Twink’s capacity for multiple sessions in one night)

 

Possible bonus points: You’ll be totally up-to-date on all the latest dance tunes and he can do just about anything you need done on your computer.

Section B: If You Are A Twinkie

Just because you’re young, cute, and a cheap date doesn’t mean that you can get away with being obnoxious. Enjoy your youthful adventures, do your best to learn as much as possible from your elders, and be sure to cop a few swank dinner invites while you’re at it. As a Twinkie, you should:

  1. Have at least one nice suit for special occasions
  2. Be thankful for any free drinks or dinners that come your way, even if the giver is a troll
  3. Be fun at parties
  4. Not be having fun at those parties with the cater waiter in the butler’s pantry
  5. Avoid “bar trash”
  6. Avoid becoming “bar trash”
  7. Have at least one or two goals, other than figuring out how to make twelve dollers last all night at the bar
  8. Always look your best (no two-day beard growth, and put a little cover-up on those dark circles if you need to. Remember “young and cute” is your look, so work it for all it’s worth).

That said, you should also know that being good in bed is almost as good as being young and cute. The older guys you pick up aren’t looking for slow learners, so pay attention. They may try to seem considerate and want you to cum first, and tha’s fine. Just remember: It ain’t over until the other guy moans, and the last thing you want is a reputation for being a pig in bed. So no falling asleep right after orgasm. Another good trick that people over twenty-five find endearing is your desire (and ability) to fool around again after, like, five minutes. Work that one as much as possible, while you still can.

Manthropology: Sex With A Leatherman

What’s making his bulge so big: A cock ring (one of many types he owns).

What’s in his pockets: A red hankie, a pack of imported brand of cigarettes, a Zippo, receipt from a one-day membership at a sex club, , go-tube of lube, a magnum condom, phone number of another guy he picked up last week (and has left tied up at home since), leather cord for testicle trussing (just in case), cash (no wallet for fear of getting robbed by a trick), Viagra.

What he’s driving: A pickup truck.

Preferred pet: Rottweiler.

What’s on his coffee table: The Complete Tom of Finland Book, Honcho, penis-shaped lighter and the latest copies of the Priape Leather and Northbound Leather catalogues.

What’s under his coffee table: Vanity Fair, Bon Appetit, cheesy cut crystal ashtray from his mother in Buffalo.

What’s in the room with the closed door: You DON’T want to know (but if you do, a leather harness, a leather or rubber sling, numerous leather accessories, an obscene amount of sex toys, an assortment of water and silicone based lubricants, poppers and maybe a saint andrew’s cross)

It’s ironic that even though a Sugar Daddy would probably never want you to call him Daddy, a Leatherman might. I’m not sure exactly how many leathermen like this, or even how one decides who the daddy is, but as usual, I’m sure there’s a finite science to it all. Let’s assume that you want to broaden your horizons a bit and want to pick up a leather guy. Not surprisingly, the best place to do this is at the local leather bar. And trust me; every city has at least one. You can be sure with a little drive-by recon mission. If you see a lot of big fellows in biker caps and in jeans that show major box, then chances are pretty good that you’re in the right place.

Since you may not have an arsenal of leather goods in your closet, it’s probably best to stick with the old Levi’s-and-T-shirt look. The leather bar is definitely not the place to waltz in wearing your latest Ralph Lauren Polo plaid ensemble. Leather bars tend to be a little old and grungy, so wear work boots or other appropriate footwear to keep from scuffing up your new Kenneth Coles. And just because you’re in a leather bar is no reason to forget good accessories. If you can scrounge up a nice old leather wallet and secure it to your jeans with a leather chain, all the better.

The good news is that you probably shouldn’t have any trouble finding a man, since leather bars are definitely cruisey, in a retro sort of way. Order a beer; martinis just won’t do here; and don’t expect a glass. This is not the time to show off your boutique-beer knowledge, or to order anything “Light”. Ditto on anything with lime. Take a few laps around the place to get a feel for it; you’ll have to allow at least a few minutes for your eyes to adjust to the darkness. Most likely, there will be menergy in every nook and cranny of the bar; now it’s up to you to figure out what will turn you on. Once you’ve found your man, place yourself a few feet away, and let him make the first move, since he’s the daddy tonight.

Expect the conversation to be minimal; you could be on your way home in just a few minutes. Your Leather Daddy will want to take you to his place, which is probably where you’ll want to go anyway, to see what other leather lure he may have. Always take your own car; if not, make sure you’ve got cab fare in case you need to make a quick exit. Expect to get down to business pretty quickly. Your leather lover may have lots of toys like cock rings leather straps to wrap around his “stuff”, maybe a few piercings or brands. Let him take the lead. When he tells you to go down on him, do it, and enjoy the fresh leather smell (not unlike the interior of that new Lexus that you last Sugar Daddy had).

Also keep in mind that most Leathermen don’t wear antiperspirant, preferring a deep manly-man scent. That mixed with the aroma of leather could be a whole new ball game for you, so make the most of it. Don’t forget lots of not-so-gentle tugs and pulls on all of his body paraphernalia; it wouldn’t be there if he didn’t want you to play with it. Also, try things like dick-whipping and love taps on his tush. He’ll probably be a little rough with you as well. Don’t get squeamish; if you wanted bland sex you wouldn’t have pursued a Leatherman; and also be prepared to go all the way with “full sex”. Again, since he’s the daddy, he’ll likely want to pop your cherry so make sure you’re ready for it and when you make that explosive noise when you orgasm, direct it from your gut and shape it into more of a growling satisfaction: he’ll love that. He’ll probably prefer to fall asleep with your love spunk all over his stomach.

I recommend not staying overnight as you may wake up in leather restraints with a foreign object entering your body again; much like the night before.

Hot, sweaty sex potential: (With all that leather and lust flying, how could it not be?)

 

Getting some real estate out of the deal potential: (Forget it, and even if you did, it would not be in the gilded postal code you’re looking for).

 

Long-term relationship potential: (If the sex really turns you on, and he has a decent day job, then go for it).

 

Good stories to tell your friends over brunch potential: (If your friends are less adventurous than you are, it might be a good idea to leave out the part about the handprints he left on your ass).

 

Possible bonus points: Good experience for your repertoire, maybe a little leather toy to take home with you, easy access for repeat performances.

The Difference Between a Leatherman and a Bear

Leather bars not only attract those Tom of Finland types that we used to fantasize about as kids; they also attract a sort of subspecies: the Bear. The Bear shares a few of the attributes of the Leatherman, but often adds quite a few to them. These tips will help you figure out which side of the bar you’ll want to hang out in.

Leatherman vs. Bear

Cut vs. Cushy
190 vs. 290
Sheared vs. Shaggy
Six-pack under jacket vs. Six-pack under front seat
Hot ‘n’ Horny vs Hot ‘n’ Sweaty
Studs vs. Spuds
Strong biceps vs. Strong bifocals
Dangerous curves vs. Wide load
Overnight male vs. Extra postage required
Packs a whopper vs. Packs a family meal

Manthropology: Sex With A Drag Queen


What’s making his bulge so big:
What bulge?

What’s in his purse: Lipstick, lip liner, foundation, eye-lash curler, pepper spray, sixty dollers (includes emergency cab stash), Virginia Slims, nail tips, nail glue.

What’s he wearing: Any outrageously revealing dress, costume-shop stockings, Payless shoes.

What’s he driving: Are you kidding? It costs big dough to get trussed up like that on a Friday night.

What’s on his coffee table: Empty cigarette packs, match books from various clubs, jewellery, make-up, empty top shelf vodka bottle or premium beer bottle.

Family tree: The Golden Girls, Cher, any fabulous diva, Madonna, Britney Spears

A good bet for drag-spotting is the termination point of any gay pride parade, where all the decked-out Drag Queens (DQ)s – except those who have broken a stiletto heel – will descend from their floats in a state of giddy euphoria.

For the pickup, you’ll want to butch it up a bit. The DQ is looking for a “real man” in bed, even if it’s pretty obvious the both of you are pretending to be something you’re not. Just remember to always be a gentleman (any self-respecting gay man would be anyway; but just in case you’re not). Open doors, help her with her wrap, and compliment her on her hair, eyes, and fabulous figure. Lighting her cigarette is always a good opener, especially if you’ve got a pricey lighter (no Zippo’s here guys, most DQs will flee from the repulsive smell).

I recommend heading to your place, since the reality of drag domiciles can be sublime, ridiculous, or a little overwhelming. (You’ll lose bonus points at brunch for that one, so it’s up to you). She may play prim and proper, so offer her a ladylike glass of Grand Marnier to speed up the chill-out time. Once you get started, needless to say, hair and makeup are way off limits since you could screw up a good four hours’ worth of work in one passionate sweep. You also risk getting your hand stuck in that supersprayed wig.

Of course, the whole concept of kissing someone who looks like Bette Davis is a real woody-crusher to us, so it’s definately lights out. And you may want to back up the darkness with really good quality blackout shades.

Once you get the DQ out of her clothes and into action it will probably be a lot more of what you’re used to. Assuming that the DQs Mr. Stiffy is taped down, good manners say let her take the tape off herself. Another thing to watch for is razor-burn, since everything from chest to nuts will probably be shaved. But then again, that seems common in a lot of places these days (can you say “Circuit Queen”?).

You may assume that DQs are all bottoms, but this is not necessarily so. Going on the assumption that if the DQ didn’t really want a dick, he’d go for the whole sex change; I would have to say that DQs have as much as a dick-tooth as you do, and probably like to get their rocks off a lot like you do. So you’d do well to ask what the DQ likes before you start sliding on protection.

Apres sex, most DQs will slip out under the cover of darkness, sparing you the terrifying sight of the morning-after-makeup. By all means, let her go; do you reall want to waste six therapy sessions trying to get over that mess?

Hot, sweaty sex potential: (Especially if Ms. McMarvelous has taped down a whopper).

 

Getting some real estate out of the deal potential: (She’s not likely to share her bathroom shelf space with anyone).

 

Long-term relationship potential: (If you’re looking for a wifey, some part-time DQs can put most domestics to shame; however, some may reveal their true colours and turn out to be prissy princesses).

 

Good stories to tell your friends over brunch potential: (But it may not be the story you were thinking of).

 


Possible bonus points:
Makeup tips for dark circles under your eyes and zits, hair hints, a greater understanding of feminine undergarments.

Manthropology: Sex With A Do-Me Queen


What’s making his bulge so big:
It’s all him, and he’s not afraid to show it off.

What’s in his pockets: A magnum condom, sunglasses for the morning after walk of shame, cock ring, and a pocket toothbrush.

What’s in his wallet: Membership card to a sex club, membership card to an after-hours club, gym membership card, business card from a taxi service, prescription for Kwell lotion and a phone number or address of his last trick.

What’s he driving: Any kind of 4-Wheeler, usually a Jeep

What’s on his coffee table: Empty cigarette packs, match books from various clubs, empty condom wrappers (they never made it to the bedroom), and a bar napkin with some guy’s name on it.

Family tree: Silent Stud, One-Night Wonder, Circuit Queen, Body Natzis, Brian Kinney (QAF).

The Do-Me Queen (DMQ) will have both a great body and a large personal unit. Armed as such, the DMQ is truly and totally conceited (at least in bed), and as long as gay men worship large units, he will get away with it.Nonetheless, adding one to your list of bedmates is something you should do once. You may never want it again, but at least you can say you’ve been there, and done that.

Like Starbucks, DMQ’s can be found on just about any corner in gay civilization, and you can be sure he will be showing off his goods. He’s the one with the skimpiest shorts at the gym, the one standing right under the brightest spotlight at the bar, the guy that made stock in spandex a great investment. Once you’ve found him, picking him up shouldn’t be too hard since the DMQ is usually quite eager to let everyone know what size shoe he wears. The only hard part will be fighting off all of the other size queens circling him like sharks. Any opening will do to catch his attention, I recommend the direct approach.

Your place or his is fine. Since he normally scores a lot, his bedroom will be well-appointed with any high quality sexnology paraphernalia you may need. Once you get him into bed, the DMQ will do what he does best: lie down on his back and cross his arms behind his head. This not only makes his upper pecs, bis, traps and abs ripple to perfection, but also makes it clear that he will not be doing much to make your toes tingle. You knew this going in, so get over it.

Your encounter with the DMQ will be all about the visuals, so feast your eyes while you can; it’s also a good chance for you to practice your best oral action on a larger unit. The DMQ will probably want to go on to full sex with you, and he’ll be really good at it, since he’s been around the block a few times. Just don’t be offended if he spends more time watching himself instead of looking deeply into your eyes.

Once the deed is done, grab a quick shower to freshen up, then clear out. You’ll probably pass someone else on the way up as you head down the stairs.

Hot, sweaty sex potential: (Even thought it’s all about him, the full-sex part may amp up the sweat factor.)

Getting some real estate out of the deal potential:
(ZERO)

Long-term relationship potential:

Good stories to tell your friends over brunch potential:

Possible bonus points: Steal his extra large cock ring as a trophy.