Dating Boot Camp: Tip #3: Find New Love By Closing Old Wounds

Get a Date, Seal The Deal and Make Your Love Last 

Being gay in the dating world can leave you in the trenches. Take back your dating life with the Dating Boot Camp filled with the tips and tools you need to get a date, seal the deal and make your relationship last. I will post a total of 10 new tips to help you on your way to a better dating life

Tip #3: Find New Love By Closing Old Wounds.
Reaching the Golden Age of Dating

Many years ago, a friend  relished in his ability to cite the most fabulous of historical monarchs, Elizabeth I. It’s said that the young queen harbored in the Golden Age of British prosperity. Even so, she lost her personal war on love.

“I am married to England,” Elizabeth declared in herring defiance to the miscreant Sir Robert Dudley. She risked her crown for her adorer. He, in return, broke her heart by plotting against her life. She kept him alive despite his treason as a constant reminder of how close she came to danger—declaring her independence from the like of any man. Her primary concern became matters she could control, not unpredictable men.

Modern day love isn’t quite as melodramatic, but my friend had experienced his fare share of no good Dudley’s. His dates always started out with excitement and ended in complete anarchy. Some mini-relationships lasted a few hours, other weeks until they suddenly ended with him left alone in a tower of loneliness and regret. He began dating with extreme caution, assuming that every man would inevitably break his heart.

It’s understandable: Why would he surrender to the monstrous dating scene? He’d been hurt so many times. The crown of his heart proved to be much more fragile than one of a kingdom. Instead of harboring in a new age of love, he wallowed in his lost opportunities.

There needed to be a change if he was ever to break the cycle. In order to make room for better love, he had to free his crowded perceptions.

Far too many of us take the bitter queen approach to love. You see, the mistake Elizabeth made was keeping Lord Robert alive. We too keep our old failures alive in the form of resentment, anger, bitterness and mistrust. And holding on to past failures leaves little room for future possibilities. Our crown jewels don’t always have to be protected in order for us to be fully appreciated by other people. Each opportunity must be approached with a clean bully of possibilities.

Sour subjects exist in every realm of dating potentials. And most of us, at some point or another, have fallen victim to their folly. But better, more affirmative people await our approach. Only by sending old wounds to the gallows can we harbor in a new, more prosperous golden age of dating.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

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Dating Red Flags: When to Call it Quits

When you first start dating that great new catch every instance of their being immediately sparks an adrenaline rush. They call, they text, they arrive to take you out and you get that rush – that sense of exhiliration. The conversation is flowing, you have mutual interests, he’s a great kisser and you have a good time; you can’t wait to see him again, naturally. However; over an unpredetermined span of time you might begin noticing a few things, but shrug them off because that would be admitting defeat. Truth is, you’re only ultimately defeating yourself and causing more damage in the long run then addressing the issues and/or simply cutting your loses and moving on if it’s a big problem. Here are a few things to watch out for while playing the dating game that could signal “It’s time to move on”.

1. He has to fix his car this weekend (again!). (Or any other sorted excuse that keeps popping up)

We all have busy lives, filled with plenty of work, errands and chores, but a guy who is invested in his relationship will find time to spend with you. Yes, it’s that simple. If he’s forever “too busy,” he’s showing you where you fall on his list of priorities.

Bottom line: His excuses start making excuses? Dump him.

2. You find pictures of your best friend on his computer boarderlining nudity.

Infidelity comes in many forms – no pun intended. A lot of dilemmas involve virtual flirtations and cyber-relationships. But this kind of “innocent” (at least that’s how he might explain it) involvement outside your twosome can be just as damaging as an actual affair. And your best friend? It would be hard to imagine a legit reason for this one.

Bottom line: Buh-bye.

3. He “just wants to cuddle.”

Problems in a relationship will follow you both into the bedroom, too. There’s nothing wrong with a guy who wants to cuddle, but if that’s all he wants, well…there’s probably something going on that you two need to talk about. Don’t assume he’s cheating, though. He could be stressed out, depressed, experiencing the side effects of medication or feeling distant because of a problem you two are facing. Delicately broach the subject without accusing him of not satisfying you and see what you can find out.

Bottom line: Give it time.

4. He calls out someone else’s name during nookie.

Hmmm, not a lot of excuses for this one, either.

Bottom line: Unless he gives a plausible reason before his clothes are back on, adios.

5. He cheats…again.

While an affair — emotional or otherwise — can do serious damage to a relationship, it doesn’t have to mean the end. If he is truly and sincerely sorry for the affair, willing to identify and address the issues in your union that caused him to stray in the first place and makes a commitment to earning back your trust, there may be some hope. On the other hand there’s that old saw, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” How do you know if you’ve got a player on your hands? Pay attention to his actions and not just his words. If repairing what’s broke in your union ain’t top of his list — and that doesn’t mean through superficial gestures like buying you a nice gift or turning on the charm for a spell — don’t be surprised when he cheats again.

Bottom line: Then there’s that other old saw: If the mule kicks you once, the mule is stupid. If the mule kicks you twice… Dump him.

6. You find out he’s been lying about his finances and couldn’t possibly pay off all his debts until, using conservative calculations, close to the year 2050.

A reasonable amount of debt does not necessarily signal a bad catch, but lying about major issues does. Maybe he fibbed because he didn’t want you to think he can’t manage money, you say. Maybe that’s true. But how did he accumulate so much debt? (Paying off medical bills from a sudden illness? Online gambling addiction?) If you two are talking long-term, are your money management styles compatible? Will you be able to trust him with the checkbook? More importantly, why is he hiding something that would obviously have a big impact on you and your life together? Not to mention your credit rating.

Bottom line: You’re not insensitive and materialistic if you show him the door; it means you’re looking for someone who won’t fritter away your hard-earned cash – and who is open with you about his shortcomings.

7. You tell him how excited–and a little nervous–you are about going back to school and he tries to discourage you.

If he’s to be a keeper, your guy should be your lead cheerleader. Not that he shouldn’t share his opinion when he thinks you’re headed down the wrong path, but — if he truly cares for you — he will push you to accomplish your goals.

Bottom line: Don’t waste your precious time with anyone who tries to hold you back, belittle your ambitions or seems jealous or bitter about what you want out of life.

8. He has been “looking” for work since you met him but never seems to have any solid prospects lined up. And although he spends a lot of time on the Internet, you’ve peeked over his shoulder and he’s not on work-related websites.

There’s no reason each partner in a relationship shouldn’t contribute when it comes to money, but do you want to shoulder the entire burden? Finding employment can be extremely time-consuming since there are a lot of avenues available when one is diligently looking for work; if he’s got so much free time in his schedule, he’s not looking as hard as he claims. Talk to him about how you can help – maybe he feels overwhelmed or a little depressed by his lack of success.

Bottom line: If he takes steps in the right direction, give it time. If he spends more time surfing than polishing his résumé, it may be time to resume your own search – for a new beau.

9. You suggest seeing a counselor together and he refuses to even try it.

Not everyone feels at home in a therapist’s office but if it’s important to you and he won’t budge, that says something about how he’s going to approach other decisions in your relationship. What’s the harm in indulging you for a session, especially if there’s a problem you two need to resolve? Try to find out what his objections are. Why does it make him uncomfortable? His answers should shed some light.

Bottom line: A couple needs to have ways to work through problems together. If your methods are very different and you’re each closed to the other’s approach, you’re going to run into repeated roadblocks.

10. He tells you to shut up, swears at you, pushes you down “by accident” or even “just once,” tries to keep you from spending time with your friends or accuses you of cheating on him or looking at other guys.

Girlfriend, you’re out of there — these are common early warning signs of abuse, and you’re putting yourself in danger by sticking around.

Bottom line: Seek outside help if you need it, and put your safety above everything else.

Have you ever decided to stick with a guy who has exhibited behaviours you are not comfortable with to “make” the relationship work? Or have you ever been put into a situation where you have to raise the flag and take the reins to fix your relationship? Write in to Gossip Guy at gossipguy@bell.net to share your story.

//Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo