Dating Boot Camp: Tip #4: The 3rd Law of Attraction

Get a Date, Seal The Deal and Make Your Love Last 

Being gay in the dating world can leave you in the trenches. Take back your dating life with the Dating Boot Camp filled with the tips and tools you need to get a date, seal the deal and make your relationship last. I will post a total of 10 new tips to help you on your way to a better dating life

Tip #4: The 3rd Law of Attraction

Newton’s Third Law of Motion dictates that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Some schools of thought hold the same notion in relation to our attractions. We get, they say, exactly what we put out there. In other words, the type of energy or vibe we project is exactly what we get in return.

Our projected vibe isn’t always obvious–to our eye, anyway. We may think we have an in-it-to-win-it attitude, only to live the same man-on-man nightmares over and over again. Or despite our irresistible charm, looks or wit, men resist us like the opposite end of a magnet. The energy we project is invisible to us, but men seem to pick it up like a natural force. They can tell if we are insecure despite our best efforts in hiding it. They can see the desperation in our eyes with the power of a powerful g-ray vision. They can also see our happiness and confidence gleaming from a bar away. Ever notice how when you’re feeling hot, others seem to make eye contact?

Take comfort, the laws of attraction work both ways. Remember the opposite reaction part? I’m sure you recall that one guy that was a complete turn-off for no particular reason (or at least no reason you can consciously identify)? At first glance, he seemed datable, but later you discovered that the vibe just wasn’t there. Compatibility plays a large role in connections; the energy we project is a major part of compatibility.

Most of us fail to realize, however, that each of us has complete control over the forces surrounding our attractions. We have the power to change others’ reactions towards us by using Newton’s Third Law and changing our own actions. As a degreed techie, I know that understanding Newton’s law is much easier than putting it into practice. The good news is that it’s not impossible. A change in our attitude and approach can change what we get back in return.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

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People You Shouldn’t Date

Getting involved with these people is more likely to result in heartache than happiness.

It’s a fact of love. There are certain people you just shouldn’t date. Of course, they’re often the very people you find yourself wanting to date.

Now, this isn’t to say these relationships can never work out. I’m sure many people can come up with an example of each of these relationships that turned out just tickety-boo.
But that doesn’t make me wrong. Getting involved with these people is more likely to result in heartache than happiness.

Your Employee

The reasons for not dating your employee are similar to those for not dating your boss, just in reverse. Your colleagues will question your judgement and your other underlings could resent you. Lover’s spats will create office tension and the power dynamic (mentioned before) can rock you out of your position of authority. Things can get ugly if you need to lay off or fire your lover. Not to mention, there’s a good chance you might get fired yourself.

Your Therapist

Oh, what a cliché! Your therapist really listens, he/she understands you better than anyone else, you can really open up! Yeah. That’s a therapist’s job. You should question the moral integrity of any doctor who would violate professional ethics by getting romantically involved with a patient. Your vulnerability makes the action a predatory one. You’ve likely told this person things you’ve never told anyone and this means they know too much.

Someone Else’s Husband/Wife

Obvious. Right? Then why do so many people get caught up in extramarital affairs? Nothing good can come of being the other woman/man. You’re part of a deception, you’re hurting someone and you’re enabling your ‘partner´ to be an irresponsible, self centred liar. Cheating is childish and cruel and you will only wind up getting hurt in the long run. Some people waste years of their lives in such relationships, only to wake up one day and realize the opportunity for true love and a family may have passed them by. Don’t do it to yourself.

Your Friend’s Ex

Unless your friend is really cool, even if they say it’s OK, it’s not. They’re lying. Dating a friend’s ex can cause a world of hurt. Even if your friend is the one who initiated the break up, there can be residual feelings of romance and resentment. It will pain your friend to see you together and, if you decide to try to avoid that situation, you’ll have to make sure you’re never all in the same place at the same time, which can be a nightmare. Also, you might find yourself worrying that there’s still a spark between the two. And you might be right.

Your Own Ex

OK, I flip flopped about putting this one in but came down on the side of inclusion. Here’s why: you broke up. And even if there’s love and affection, there’s also bad blood. Resentments, in most cases, will eventually bubble to the surface and boil over and you’ll be right back where you started – apart and hating each other. Because remember that annoying thing they did that used to drive you CRAZY? They still do it.

John Mayer (Just for Laughs)

Yeah, he’s kind of cute and he says your body is a wonderland. But he’s a(n alleged) womanizing heartbreaker! And we use John here to represent all womanizing heartbreakers. Stay away. Also, he blabs about his love life to the press. Jessica Simpson was apparently none to impressed when he referred to her as ‘sexual napalm’ in an interview (though some might see that as positive publicity). Rumour is that Taylor Swift’s song ‘Dear John’ is about her romance with Mayer. Oh, for that matter, don’t date Taylor Swift, unless you want to wind up the subject of one of her songs.

Know of any other obvious bad people to date? Send your comments to Gossip Guy at gossipguy@bell.net or comment in the comment box below to give your insight.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

The 10 Things You (Or Anyone Else) Don't Want for the Holidays

For millions of people this holiday season, gifts will be exchanged, smiles will be forced, and you will say, “I love it!” while lying through your teeth. Some gifts are wonderful. Many suck. To help you avoid the latter, here are the 10 things we (and probably your friend/family/partner) don’t want for Kwanzachristmannukah.

1. A gift card…to anywhere

Yes, we are functional creatures and we don’t stand on ceremony. We like gift certificates…as a present from our cousin. Or coworker. But from you? Really? It’s dangerously close to an envelope full of cash, which, even for us, is tacky.

2. Man jewellery

There are about 4,783 problems with this gift. Let’s start with two. Men don’t like wearing jewellery. And we’ll worry that you’ve outspent us and we’ll feel guilty. Other than that, uh, thanks.

3. A wok

Unless your gift receiver happens to be a chef, never get them something like a wok or a pancake griddle. It’s a hint that lacks subtlety, and it’s passive-aggressive. How’d you like it if I got you a vacuum cleaner?

4. Tickets to the ballet

Or the opera. Or that hot new interpretive dance troupe. People are open-minded and like trying new cultural experiences, but that shouldn’t hijack their holiday gift. That’s like you saying following dinner, “Okay, and for dessert, I’m serving you broccoli!”

5. A “coupon book”

You know the type. “One Free Masage!” “One Hour of Anything You Want in the Bedroom — to Be Redeemed Anytime!” It’s played out. And the coupons for sexual favors? Months from now, when you’re not in the mood, do you really want us to “pay” you with a coupon? Paying for sex is called…well, prostitution. Besides, if you’re not in the mood to begin with, the coupons kind of useless if you have to force yourself to get busy.

6. Books from your favorite author

Let’s clear up a big myth about book-giving: When you give me a book — one you recommend — I am doing you a favor, as you’re asking me to spend 5 to 15 hours of my life on this chore. Books don’t cost money. Books cost time.

7. Baby stuff

Whoa whoa whoa. If you’re telling us that we’re about to become a parent, this is not the way to do it. And if we’re already expecting, this isn’t the time or place for “Project Baby” homework. My gift should be about me. (That’s not selfish, is it?)

8. Luggage

It would take many sessions with a psychiatrist to decode this gift. Are you hinting we should take our relationship up a notch and travel together more? Do you want me to hit the road? Do you want me to get rid of my old baggage? Too much to think about.

9. Framed photos

Awwww. A cute photo of us skiing in Aspen. How’d you know that’s exactly what I wanted? A handy rule of thumb: If something can double as a holiday card to our parents, we want as little to do with it as possible.

10. Love

Let’s be honest. The “gift of love” just isn’t going to cut it. Sure, love conquers all, love makes the world go ’round, love’s all you need, yada yada yada, but saying “Love is a gift” is like saying “Kindness pays rent.” Give me something I can unwrap.

Have you ever received a crappy present before; what was it and why didn’t you like it? Write in to Gossip Guy at gossipguy@bell.net or comment in the comment box below to share your story.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

The Average Package (Non-Christmas Related) ;)

See how you measure up, without having to peer over the urinal divider?

71: Percentage of men who think men are too concerned with the size and shape of their penises

21: Percentage of men who think length matters

33: Percentage of men who think girth matters

22: Percentage of men who describe their member as “large”

22: Percentage of men who would prefer a smaller penis

6″: Average length when erect

3 in 4: Number of men who say their penis naturally hangs to the left

4.8″: Average circumference when erect

3.5″: Average length of a flaccid penis

84: Percentage increase in volume between the average flaccid and erect penis

15: Average number of ejaculations each month for a man in his 20s

5: Average number of ejaculations each month by the time a man reaches his 60s

2.6 minutes: Average time from stimulation to ejaculation

1/3 to 1 teaspoon: Amount of semen in each ejaculation

275 million: Amount of sperm in the average ejaculation

60: Number of days it takes for a single sperm to reach full maturity

60: Average percentage of sperm that are healthy enough to fertilize an egg

Before birth: “Age” when most men’s testicles descend from their abdomen

76: Percentage of men who say they have never been tested for an STD

28: Percentage who say the main reason is because they don’t want to know if they have one

$472 million: Condom sales in 2010

2.1 million: Average number of people in Canada who are allergic to latex

4 (snug, regular, large, XL): Total number of condom sizes (funny how small is snug)

1 in 6: Number of men over 35 who have had a vasectomy

1 in 1,000: Likelihood that a man who’s had a vasectomy could still impregnate a woman

The airspeed of ejaculate: 28 mph

55: Percentage of men who are happy with the size of their penises

85: Percentage of men whose left testicle hangs lower than the right

61: Percentage of male newborns who are circumcised

So how did you measure up? C’mon I know you were comparing yourself! Write in to Gossip Guy at gossipguy@bell.net or comment in the comment box below to share any thoughts you might have.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

GALA/LA NYE 2010: Epically Failed

Another one bites the dust... dhun dhun dhun...

Are we really all that surprised about this announcement regarding the GALA/LA’s NYE 2010 Funky Black Tie Dinner & Dance event? After last month’s disastrous same sex dances, where attendance was so low you could have begun to make fat momma jokes, it’s easy to imagine why this event would be cancelled. Historically, since the closing of Henotic, where GALA/LA’s dances were worth attending, attendance has been incredibly low at all events hosted by this year’s board of directors.

It would seem that GALA/LA thinks any event is better than no event, right? WRONG.

This epic fail has once again been brought to you by poor demographic market research and what our GALA/LA Board of Director’s feel is best for our community. without consultation. And just to back up my point, I have personally asked around our population if there was an interest in a LGBTQ NYE event; the results came back alarmingly as approximately 1 in 7 would have an “interest” and 1 in 12 would “go” to such an event. I think the ball was dropped on research here yet again.

Although ticket sales were the primary reason for the cancellation of the NYE event (undoubtedly), after making my inquiries to a varied demographic of the LGBTQ community here in Lethbridge, the responses indicate the reasoning behind that. Ticket sales were low because of these top 5 reasons as cited by our population, and not primarily as being included at non-queer establishments as originally claimed/assumed:

  1. Why would I go to a GALA/LA event? There’s never anyone there!
  2. I’d rather go to a party with my (straight) friends.
  3. There are way better events to go to.
  4. GALA/LA sucks! They can’t populate a regular dance, what makes them think they can pull off a NYE party?
  5. No way. I’m going out of town.

From some of these responses, although a little harsh at times, I would make the assumption that GALA/LA needs to up its game and start producing some quality events to bring their event following back. Maybe having more quality events with proper planning less of the time instead of cramming as much crappy stuff into a short timeframe would help? Maybe a better marketing approach and web presence might help? Maybe taking the time to inquire and research from the community (which they serve) before slapping an event together would help.

In either case, something needs to be done about our actual gay-friendly events because the last line in the statement made by GALA/LA’s President is a horrific assumption made to sugarcoat the fact they had to cancel their NYE party due to the fact the LGBTQ community will be attending NYE parties at non-queer establishments; and we should celebrate that. His blazon remark assumes we’ve made a milestone in our community where we’re accepted or welcomed at such establishments. Although our community has more light in the public’s eye, I have yet to see any marketing or advertising for any of these establishments that specifically target the LGBTQ community indicating we are welcomed there. I read the lack of attendance from our community to GALA/LA’s NYE 2011 event as “We (the community) have something better to do then attend GALA/LA’s party on NYE because no one cares what GALA/LA is doing anymore” (Look at the track record). What GALA/LA’s official statement cancelling the event should have read was, “We fucked up, again. Please come to our next event; we’ll try and do better” instead of trying to gloss the whole thing over; which has been done more and more frequently.

As an example, the most recent, and possibly the most severe example of GALA/LA misrepresenting itself was while protecting their incestuous sister student organization’s (ULSU Pride) President from Matthew Young’s courageous voice when he brought severe inappropriate behavior by their President into light. GALA/LA and ULSU Pride were quite happy to attempt to sweep it under the rug by not saying anything or disciplining the President due to her direct relation with GALA/LA and instead had me removed from their publication, The Occasion, in an attempt to silence the issue. It seems GALA/LA is making a lot of mistakes these days when it comes to doing the right thing, or making the right decisions.

What do you think about the cancellation of GALA/LA’s NYE event? Do you think the GALA/LA Board of Directors needs to research more from our community before attempting to have events? Write in to Gossip Guy at gossipguy@bell.net or post in the comments box below to share your opinion.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

Deal Breakers: Should you forgive your partner?

Turn on any daytime talk show and you’ll likely find a story involving the deceit of another partner. Television embellishes for the sake of ratings, but in real life every relationship comes with its ups and downs. Finding a way to forgive is a necessary part of the healing process and it doesn’t mean you have to condone or agree with the behaviour.

From disappointing to unspeakable, these five scenarios will help you decide how to respond to your partner’s unpleasant actions in the event you are suddenly faced with a situation.

1. He or she embarrassed you
A Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws left Tina, 35, red in the face. Before the meal everyone was asked to share something they were thankful for. When it came to Tina’s turn she got a mental block and couldn’t think of anything to say. “My wife kept hounding me, ‘You always have something to say. What are you thankful for? Why can’t you think of anything?'” Feeling upset and embarrassed, Tina left the table. Later she told her partner she didn’t appreciate being forced to say something.

Communicating your feelings of hurt and discussing what behaviour you tolerate is important. Establishing rules early on helps to create boundaries and avoid misunderstandings.

Bottom line: Forgivable. Little tiffs like this are common course to any relationship. The best thing to do is express your feelings and move on.

2. He or she forgot an important date
Consider the context. If you know it’s not really who they are and they’re just going through a stressful time or they’ve been sick, that’s different. Give your partner a little slack if it was a one-time slip up, especially if it’s at the beginning of a relationship. It’s too early to assume they don’t care or aren’t interested. A one-month anniversary may not have even crossed his mind or maybe he is forgetful, but you aren’t aware of that personality trait because the relationship is so new.
 
“A deal breaker is only a deal breaker if it is symptomatic of other destructive relationship dynamics,” says Dr. Bethany Marshall, author of Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away. “It is not a deal breaker when one bad thing has happened and is not related to other fundamental problems in the relationship.”

In other words if it’s an isolated event it’s probably nothing. On the other hand if you’ve been left waiting in a restaurant all evening and that’s only one of many let downs you’ve recently had, it may be time to deal with the underlying issue. 

Bottom line: Forgivable, but examine the whole picture. Does your partner chronically forget dates or was it a one-time mistake? And if you know he or she is absentminded, don’t take it personally. Do some pre-damage control. Try throwing out some helpful hints close to the date or send out a reminder email. Nobody’s perfect and you’ll both be grateful when the time comes.

3. He or she lied to you
Admit it. You’ve asked your partner something you didn’t want the honest answer to – like if he thinks you’ve gained a few pounds (when you know you can’t fit into your ‘big’ jeans). Clearly there is a difference between white lies told to assure you and malicious lies told to hurt you. Telling the truth is the foundation of a good relationship, but sometimes it’s necessary to hide the truth in order to save the relationship.

If you sense you’re being betrayed or even catch your partner in a lie, speak up. The more open and honest you are the easier it is on so many levels. If you’ve got nothing to hide there is no reason to lie.

Bottom line: It depends on how big the lie is. A little white lie is forgivable, but a big, mean lie is not and you may need to reconsider the relationship or seek therapy. 

4. Cheated on you (and/or accused you of cheating)
Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. Emotional cheating can be just as painful as infidelity and both are symptoms of an underlying problem. If a couple is committed, moving on requires dealing with the real issue head on. Even if the couple stays together it takes a lot of work. The problem with sex is that there is no going back. I’m not sure if couples ever fully recover from [infidelity].

But what if you’ve been accused of cheating? Jennifer, 28, now happily engaged, previously had a long-term relationship with a woman who made such accusations when she learnt she had been spending time with a female friend previously unknown to her. “Being accused of cheating on her was almost as bad as if I had found out she cheated on me,” admits Jennifer. “I was devastated.”

 Bottom line: There is no cut-and-dry answer for this type of betrayal. It also depends on what type of cheating was committed – was it an emotional affair or was sex involved? Open up to someone you trust like a clergy member or a therapist who can help guide you through the difficult time. If it’s early on in the relationship it’s probably best to get out, but if you’ve been together for many years working it out may make sense. If you do decide to save the relationship, both partners need to be committed in dealing with the underlying problem. 

5. He or she doesn’t get along with your family/friends
It can be initially nerve-wracking to bring home your latest beau, but it’s even worse if the welcoming is less than pleasant. When parents or friends dislike your partner it’s often a warning sign. They can’t help but look out for your best interest. You should remember that friends and family are more objective. The family isn’t going to turn a blind eye as easily and can spot a bad behaviour that you are overlooking.

That doesn’t mean you should immediately end a relationship if the people closest to you don’t love your beau right away. There are instances when parents have difficulties accepting the person because of their own personal issues as well.

Bottom Line: Forgivable, with a caveat. It’s not always easy for a new partner to get along with your family members and friends. But, you should listen to what your friends and family have to say because usually they are bang on in their observations. Whether or not you agree with them is up to you. If you and your partner are committed to being together then do so openly. Having a secret relationship – because of religious differences for example, is too straining on both parties. In these situations couples break up because it’s just too hard to act underground. Be honest with yourself and be receptive to your family and friends initial opinions, but follow your instincts. It’s your relationship, not theirs.

Have you ever been confused by your partner and thought about a “deal breaker” situation? Write in to Gossip Guy at gossipguy@bell.net to share your story, or post a comment in the comment’s box below; you may need to click here to access the full page containing the comments box.

Related Posts:
Dating Reg Flags: When to call it quits & A Dozen Do’s for Couples in Conflict

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

Busting Christmas Stressors

The Christmas season, although full of joy and good will, also has its horrifically ugly side. We all remember those dreadful days from last year of last minute shopping and battling your neighbor in the middle of Walmart at 9:02pm for the last <insert toy of the year here> before you stopped to realize; you’ve put on 13lbs in the past few weeks, ripped out most of your hair and noticed stress lines forming on your forehead *GASP*.

Well, in the spirit of the season I’ve decided to bring you some stress busting tips to hopefully prevent you from spinning yourself into a ball of stress this holiday season. Cuz let’s face it; you’re supposed to be enjoying this time of the year as well.

Stressor: Being a perfectionist
Stress Buster: Lower your standards

Set realistic goals for yourself. Prioritize your TO DO list. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Your guest aren’t coming to check for dust bunnies under your bed! And if they are, don’t invite them back next year! Don’t measure your efforts against some imaginary idea of perfection. Relax and enjoy yourself.

Stressor: Following out-dated traditions
Stress Buster: If it’s no longer appropriate, don’t do it

There’s an old Hungarian story about a young bride who buys a brisket of beef and cuts off a small piece from the end. When her husband asks why she is doing that she says: “my mother always does it that way.” They ask the mother why and she says: “my mother always does it that way.” They ask the grandmother who tells them that she cut off the end because her pot was too small. Ask yourself why you are doing something. If it has outlived its reason or usefulness, drop it.

Stressor: Taking on too much
Stress Buster: Do less

If your budget allows, hire help. Don’t do everything from scratch. It’s OK to use time-saving devices. Ask other people for help. Maybe someone else can bring some dishes, do some shopping, set the table or do the clean-up.

Stressor: Gift buying
Stress Buster: Instead of gifts that might be returned or never used, you might:

  • Donate money to the person’s favourite charity
  • Give a gift certificate to their favourite store
  • Give a “gift certificate” that’s redeemable for baby-sitting, house-sitting, pet-sitting, Etc
  • If the person is a care-giver, offer to relieve them for a morning or an afternoon
  • Be creative, find out what would be the most meaningful gift for the person
  • Offer to address their Christmas mailing list
  • Buy a copy of Susan’s book, “AWAKENING YOUR LIFE SKILLS – A light-hearted, pragmatic and humorous approach to a less stressful life.”

Stressor: Unreasonable expectations of family members
Stress Buster: Be realistic in your expectations

There’s no reason to believe that family members who don’t get along the rest of the year become bosom buddies on December 25th. Consider having two meals and invite the folks who get along with each other to one of them. On the other hand, remind your family that Christmas is not the time to drop emotional bombs. This is not the time to announce that she is getting a divorce, that he lost his job or for your cousin and his partner to come out of the closet together announcing their wedding (or yours).

Stressor: Overeating
Stress Busters: Have a plan

  • Decide before-hand how much you will eat and stick to your decision
  • Have a small taste of everything so you don’t feel deprived after all, it’s Christmas!
  • Have a small slice of dessert
  • Fill up on non-fattening foods – water, salads, vegetables
  • Go easy on the sauces
  • Substitute less fattening dressings
  • Keep busy with non-eating activities: set the table, serve the food, clear the table, do the dishes

And here some more suggestions for a less stressful holiday time:

  • Take time for yourself
  • Pamper yourself
  • Meditate
  • Get a massage
  • Go for a walk
  • Read a trashy novel
  • Rent a funny movie

This is supposed to be a fun time of year, not only for your guests and friends, but also for you. Make sure to enjoy your time with loved ones as well. For more on this subject read my related article the “Holiday Survival Guide for Gay Men & Women” right here on Gossip Guy.

What do you do over the Christmas season to manage your stress? Write in to Gossip Guy at gossipguy@bell.net to share your tips and tricks. You can also write your response in the comment box below.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo